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Newsletter May 2000 Issue Page 3
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Humor
-- By Martin Burke
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother,
more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How
do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You
just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
---------------------------------------------
Cynic's Dictionary
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies
and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides;
a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically
to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of
life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any
business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that
we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive
visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might
develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clichés.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a
Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying
client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry
into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants
in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth,
or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each
other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the
lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their
possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny
copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies
about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for
your neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough
of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become
an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity,
appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on
local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also SUPERSTAR:
A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone
in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, servingfried pork
rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in
the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods
but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What
the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially
those expecting a sizable inheritance. X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross
that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for
men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and
those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Conversation Between God and Moses
"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer
problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Tell Me!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know
those ten
things you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of
course,
they are important. Otherwise
I wouldn't have sent them to
you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the
dog ate them,
but of course you would see right
through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying
to tell
me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"Well, my son always saves, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before.
I was going to,
but I forgot. I did send them to
some people before I lost them
though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the
one guy who said
he never uses 'shalt not?' Can he
change the words a little
bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change
the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance
was a
little harsh and recommended calling
them the Ten Suggestions
or letting people pick one or two
to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about
the guy who said
I was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told
him I don't even
eat that stuff and I have no idea
how you can send it to
someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used your name
in vain. You
don't think he might have sent me
one of those plagues and
that's the reason I lost those ten
things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much
for me. Can
we just go back to those stone tablets?
It was hard on my back
taking them out and reading them
each day, but I never lost
them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed
up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch
it out toward the
computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse!
And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first.
After all,
who knows more about this stuff than
you, and I really
like your hours.
By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these
mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs
instead of
mice, because didn't you tell me
the thing they sit on is a
pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and
you can call yours
a beatnik if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh,
sir? I bet some
woman told him to call it a mouse.
After all, wasn't it a
woman who named one of the computers
Apple?"
"Say goodnight, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out
the mouse and it
seems to be working. Yes, a
couple of the ten things have come
back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave
an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you
another set of
stone tablets.
How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"
-------------------------------------------------
While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked
her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class.
At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share
with the rest of the students.
The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."
The last child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."
-------------------------------------------------------
Some Bumper Snickers
I'm a corporate executive - I keep things from happening.
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.
Bad Cop! No donut!
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all,
can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead - He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell
off.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down,
on a Jeep)
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.
Stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba
the Hut??
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Axe me about Ebonics. Boldly going nowhere.
Cat: The other white meat.
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde.
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
.------------------------------------------------------
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
-----------------------------------------------------
From Joe Villa.....
It seams there were these 3 friends who went fishing off of the coast.
One
was a gym teacher, the other a minister and the third was a lawyer. On
their way in the engine quit because they ran out of gas. They decided
they
had beter swim for the shore since they were not that far out and the
tide
was changing soon and they would surely be pulled into the open ocean.
They
were just about to jump in when they saw a school of great white sharks
circling the ship. Realizing they had no choice the gym teacher stood
up
and said, "Well I am in good shape, perhaps I can out swim the sharks."
and
he jumped in. Well it did not take the sharks long to catch up to him.
He
was bumped by a shark a few times then devoured.
After seeing this the minister stood and said, "Well I am a man of God
and
He will protect me." jumped in and headed for shore. A shark quickly caught
him, bumped into him a few times and he was devoured.
After seeing his two friends eaten by the sharks, the lawyer stood up
and
thought he had no chance after all he was not in good shape and he wasn't
a
Man of God, but the thought of slowly dying of thirst on this boat was
not
pleasing so he jumped in and headed for shore. The sharks quickly caught
up
to him and bumped into him, he thoght he was gpoing to die for sure when
another shark bumped him and then he was bumped again. Suddenly he was
bumped so hard that he was flung in the air and wound up landing on the
back
of a huge Great White Shark which he rode all the way to the shore. After
landing he got off the back and the sharks headed back out to sea. Smewhat
bewildered by the whole thing, the laywer called out to the sharks, "Excuse
me!"
The lead shark stops, turns and responds,"Yes."
"You ate my two friends and you gave me a ride to the shore. I don't understand."
The shark somewhat annoyed responds, "Oh, professional courtesy."
---------------------------------------------------------
Imagine yourself off Daytona Beach in my state of Florida, when a boat
overturns and, before swimming to shore, the sailor calls out to a Beachcomber!""Any
'gators around here?" "Nope" says the beachcomber. So the sailor started
to swim in. About half-way in he treaded water and calling to the Beachcomber
he asked "What did you do to get rid of the Alligators?" "Didn't have
to do nothin'", said the Beachcomber.
"Sharks got 'em!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You Say You Don't "Get" Jokes?
Wednesday, February 23, 2000
By Dennis B. Roddy, Post-Gazette Staff Writer
The bad news is that many people are incompetent. The other bad news
is
that the fools don't know it. Unskilled, inane and blind to their ineptitude,
dunderheads abound, and
their shortcomings span an impressive range of disciplines from common
grammar to joke telling. That was the finding of a recent study by a pair
of Cornell University
psychologists who confirmed what any viewer of "Who Wants to Marry a
Millionaire" may have suspected: Oafs is everywhere. Even before he did
his research, Cornell researcher David Dunning noticed
the basic incompetence of many Americans as he watched a call-in show
on
C-Span, the public affairs channel on which a Ph.D. may be explaining
relativity on one line while a crack addict blames Martians for bad
weather on the other. "You meet up with people who say crazy things and
you ask yourself:
'Don't these people realize how crazy they sound?'" Dunning said. According
to his study, they do not. The study, by Dunning and fellow researcher
Justin Kruger, measured
various skills of human guinea pigs (another phrase for undergraduates).
Subjects were tested on use of logic, knowledge of English grammar and
ability to rate an array of jokes. Dunning and Kruger said they learned
that students who scored below
average, when asked how they thought they did, consistently believed they
had done well. "These findings suggest that unaccomplished individuals
do not possess
the degree of meta-cognitive skills necessary for accurate
self-assessment that their more accomplished counterparts possess," the
pair wrote in an article published in The Journal of Personality and
Social Psychology. Was this a surprise to Dunning? "Not after I had taught
for several years," he said. One of the more alarming discoveries was
that the same skills needed to
do a competent job were the very ones that a person needs to know he's
not competent. "People performing badly tend to have very little insight
into how badly
they're performing," Dunning said in response to just the right question
from this interviewer. "The reason they're in that position is they
suffer a double burden. Because they're incompetent, they perform poorly,
but because they're incompetent, that robs them of the ability to
recognize that they're performing poorly." The solution, he said, is to
make them competent. Good luck. While researchers have investigated competence
and self-awareness in
other studies, Dunning and Kruger broke some new ground by including a
measure of humor and joke-getting skills. Dunning didn't like the idea
at first because humor, after all, is an
idiosyncratic thing. Most people think they are as funny as, say,
newspaper reporters almost always are. Despite Dunning's misgivings, he
and Kruger rounded up various bon mots
from Woody Allen, Al Franken and Jeff Rovin's "More Really Silly Pet
Jokes." "To assess joke quality, we contacted several professional comedians
via
electronic mail and asked them to rate each joke on a scale ranging from
1 (not at all funny) to 11 (very funny)," the pair wrote. The lowest rating
went to this joke: "What is big as a man, but weighs
nothing? Answer: his shadow." (Pause to allow reader to regain control
of self.) The highest went to an observation by Franken: "If a kid asks
where rain
comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if
he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably
because of something you did.' " Test subjects were asked to rate the
jokes and then guess how they
thought they did against the panel of experts. "On average, participants
put their ability to recognize what is funny in
the 66th percentile," Dunning and Kruger wrote. This meant, of course,
that, on average, most people think they're above average. While Kruger
admits the measure for humor was "a blunt instrument," the
finding that incompetent people assumed they'd done better than average
at recognizing a good joke was consistent with their conclusions in the
logic and grammar experiments. Why, then, do the incompetent overestimate
themselves and what, short of
promoting them to management, can be done about it? "Very rarely do we
receive accurate social feedback from others," Kruger
said. "Little kids and drunks are really the only ones who violate this.
We are taught that if we don't have something nice to say about someone,
don't say anything." In fact, someone needs to say something, the researchers
found. When
informed of their errors and shown how to get it right, the previously
incompetent test subjects suddenly handed up more realistic assessments
of their performance. In short, they got a clue.
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