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Humor
-- By Martin Burke
A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten
ready - all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple
walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house. Not wanting
their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out,
the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting
it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's
just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later,
the husband got into the car and said "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid
old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger
to get her to come out!"
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A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little children on the
plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they
were hungry, or bored, or tired, or thirsty, or needed to go to the bathroom,
and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining
about. Finally, the stewardess had had enough. The very next time the children
said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to "go play outside".
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A middle aged woman stood watching a little boy standing on the curb,
smoking a cigarette and drinking from a bottle of scotch. Finally, unable
to bear it any longer, she stalked up to the lad and demanded, "why aren't
you in school at this time of day?" "Heck, lady, " said the boy, gulping
from the bottle, "I'm only four years old."
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If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, then it's probably
a gigantic, man-eating, monster robotic duck.
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A man was having marital problems. So he went to his psychiatrist.
The shrink says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,
embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make made passionate
love to her." In two weeks the man was back in the shrink's office. The
shrink asked "How did it go?" He said, "She didn't have anything to say,
but her bridge club got a kick out of it."
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Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
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Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to
make
her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying
the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would
you
say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, "Judging from
your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!"
she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted. "I haven't added
them up yet."
--------------------------------------------
The Top 15 Reasons More Americans are Having Nervous Breakdowns
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
15> "I'm good enough, I'm rich enough, and doggone it, I deserve to
have a nervous breakdown!"
14> Just now realizing that sinking your life savings into your Beanie
Babies Collection might not be able to put your kids through college after
all.
13> Nervous Affective Securities Disorder Affecting Quality-of-life,
or NASDAQ, for short.
12> Elevators are running 20% slower than last year, increasing harmful
"Girl from Ipanema" exposure.
11> Majority of Americans now expected to take supplemental insurance
advice from talking ducks.
10> 10 years ago: Your 5-year-old threatened to throw a tantrum at
your office picnic. Today: Your 15-year old threatened to buy out your
company and have you downsized.
9> In your mom's day, planning the wedding didn't require first preparing
for the nationally televised thong-bikini competition.
8> Getting the exact wording just right for your Starbucks order so
the barista doesn't get all snooty is soooooo emotionally draining.
7> Due to a factory mishap, Taco Bell products in several states did
not contain the required dosage of Valium.
6> Can't handle the sexual tension between Matt Lauer and Katie Couric
every morning.
5> Every night, the same dream: "I, George W. Bush, do solemnly swear
that I will faithfully execute the office of-- mmmm... execute."
4> Most Americans: aging steadily Kool-Aid Man: waving his perpetual
youth in our faces
3> Thanks to modern health care, moms are living longer, healthier,
more interfering lives.
2> Despite our never-ending hope, that Silly Rabbit still hasn't gotten
the Trix.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason More
Americans are Having Nervous Breakdowns...
1> Because the heightened levels of adrenal secretion caused by environmen--
HEY!!! Friggin' AOL disconnected me again!!
------------------------------------------------------------
Geek T-shirts
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium III/750 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <-------- The information went data way -------->
11. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
12. The Defn. of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah na!
17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 diet cokes in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who is General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFN: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue ...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kembogrd awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55. Go ahead, make my data!
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At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do
a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless
you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary."
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An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas.
Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently
climbed peaks. Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of
the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow. "Yeti
tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing
you must know before we proceed; DO NOT, under any circumstances, touch
the yeti." The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the
slope. Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of
night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping.
Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above
him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent,
banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by
the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down
the slope. The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could
take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding
form of the yeti still chasing him. So the explorer continued to run, reaching
the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest
awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud
thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti
still chasing him and only moments away. The explorer took off again, reaching
a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain
bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The
journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival
he booked into a hotel to recuperate. Two days later the man left his hotel
to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around
though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him
at great speed. Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought
a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he
arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.
After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home
for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there
less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar
large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't
believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England! The man had
little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike,
car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind
him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view. Eventually the
man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish
countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer
and closer, and in the end the man could run no more. With the yeti
less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around
to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up
straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered
above the man, who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand
and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and
in a low rumbling voice the yeti said, "Tag! You're it!"
--------------------------------------------------
The Parenting Test Section One -- Mathematics
For each problem, estimate the total number of
times this phrase is used per parent per week.
(2 points per question)
1] I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2] ... and this time I really mean it.
3] Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4] See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing
that.
5] Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6] One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7] Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8] Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9] Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10] Okay ... but only five more minutes.
Section Two -- Fill in the Blank
Write the correct word in the
blank.
(3 points per question)
1] Tickle Me ____________.
2] 101 _________________.
3] The Berenstain _________.
4] Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
5] _______________ Nuggets.
6] _______________ Meals.
7] Please won't you be my _____________?
Section Three -- Matching
Match each vocabulary word with its definition.
(4 points per question).
1] Amoxicillin
2] Legos
3] Pull-Ups
4] Push-Ups
5] Tubes ******
A] Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style
of
carpeting.
B] Either a recreational device originally developed
for hamsters, but since adapted for
use by children
in fast food restaurants OR that which
is placed in
ears when Letter "C" fails.
C] A pink substance which is usually a regular part of
a toddler's diet.
D] A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E] A disposable article of clothing which one swears will
only be
necessary for a few more weeks.
Section Four -- Problem Solving
Briefly describe the solution to each problem.
(5 points per question)
1] It is 8:50 a.m. School starts at 9 a.m.
Where are your car
keys?
2] She says that he started it. He says she started
it. Who's
right?
3] You are attempting to go to the post office with two
very
large packages, two very small children,
zero very close
parking places, and one frazzled parent.
How will you
accomplish this?
4] At 7 p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie,
Cub Scouts
with Carl, and soccer with Susie.
Without
any King Solomon
maneuvers, how will this be done?
Section Five -- Essay
Answer the question and defend your choice.
(19 points)
Which of the 'Big V's' has made the biggest contribution to
parenting?
A] Vacuum cleaners
B] 'Velcro'
C] VCR
---------------------------------------------
Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, '"What other
problem can there be greater than this one ?"
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The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're
still a rat.
IAAD letter
-- By Shannon Connors
You ask, what is ATAXIA??
Ataxia is a family of progressive, degenerative, neurological disorders. Ataxia affects coordination, balance and speech. It may also cause difficulty in swallowing, hearing, shortness of breath, irregular eye movements and/or scoliosis, symptoms of heart trouble (cardiomyopathy) or diabetes mellitus. Generally, a person with Ataxia, over time, goes from stumbling and walking as if drunk, to using a cane, to depending on a wheelchair. The disease is sometimes fatal. At this time, there is no known treatment or cure. Hereditary Ataxia comes in many forms, caused by a recessive or dominant gene. There are also sporadic forms, which have no known gene or family history. Symptoms of Ataxia may also be caused by head trauma, stroke, brain tumors or hemorrhages, viral infections, heart ailments or even exposure to certain drugs or toxins. Ataxia knows no barriers. It can strike any one, at any age.
My name is Shannon Connors. I was diagnosed with Late Onset Friedreich's Ataxia (FA), 12 yrs. ago, at the age of 33. Seeing, how Ataxia does not affect ones mental capacity, it is like being trapped in a body that does not respond to my commands. FA is caused by an abnormality of a single gene called the frataxin gene. It can be passed down from generation to generation, by family carriers who don't even realize they carry it – until it shows up in the family.
FA is an autosomal recessive disorder, which means that I inherited the disorder because I received a double dose of the frataxin gene one from each parent. My husband has been genetically tested and confirmed not to carry the gene. So, although my teenaged children will always be carriers of the gene, they will not develop FA, seeing how they only have one affected gene. They must be made aware of the disease though, for future generations. I would like to take this opportunity to inform the public about Ataxia. Monday September 25th has been proclaimed INTERNATIONAL ATAXIA AWARENESS DAY. Only when people are made aware of this disorder, will we get the help and support we need. Please help me in raising awareness.
To find out more about Ataxia, check out the National Ataxia Foundations
website at www.ataxia.org. For information on a local support group I can
be contacted at (604) 940-2988 or Shannon@dccnet.com
Thank you.